Petrified locals in a South American town are said to be living in fear today after a ‘monster’ crawled out of a lake. The creature has been described as something out of Lord of the Rings, more worryingly though, it is said to have ‘charged’ local school children. Professional Pit Bull identification hexperts have claimed that the animal is “almost certainly a Pit Bull”. Our source told us; “It’s not a perfect Pit Bull, but it’s a Pit Bull all right. You can tell by looking at the jaw.”The monster has struck fear and confusion in to the small, quiet town of Cerro Azul, Panama (which was busy minding its own business) – was first seen on Saturday when some local teenagers were playing by the water.
They reportedly “screamed” when the five-foot (possibly eight-foot, teenagers tend to understate things when they’re speaking to news reporters, it’s probably at least ten-feet) creature emerged from a cave and started clambouring over rocks towards them “as if to attack them”.
The beast is said to be ‘slimy’ and contained ‘an evil look in its eye’, but this is – it has to be stated – merely speculative.
Locals who encountered the horror hound had to make a desperate attempt to defend themselves against the monster and resorted to ‘throwing rocks at it’, signalling the undeniable intelligence of man versus the repugnant horror and sickness of nature’s monsters (like Pit Bulls).
The beast is believed to have:
- Sneered and snarled (maybe)
- Stared people down with an evil eye (possibly)
- Ripped open a small child’s teddy bear as the child looked on, distraught (perhaps)
- Threatened to implement a “British-style” public health system across ALL of the United States (it is believed)
- Fought with locals for several hours, culminating in what locals reported as a ‘fire breathing episode’ (unconfirmed)
The youngsters who had encountered the devil dog told their parents about their ordeal but were not believed until the adults went to the shore to see the creature for themselves.
Our professional, well-paid, experienced, court-approved, (possibly) 4-hour trained Pit Bull identification expert told us:
“Yes, that’s a Pit Bull is that. I’ve seen a lot of Pit Bulls, this is one. I’ll concede, it’s not a perfect Pit, but it’s a Pit. Those youngsters were lucky they had rocks to hand. Without adequate defence, this dog would have killed them, their families and possibly wreaked havoc on the local schools for years to come. They prey on children, you see. Little blonde children, normally. That’s a Pit all right. Right down to the lock jaw.”
The incident conjures up memories of the ‘Montauk Monster‘, also believed to be a Pit Bull (but not a perfect one).
(PS: Fight breed specific legislation (if you have a thing for ‘monsters’)
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