Will Work for Food: the Golden Retriever’s Resume’

My name is Susan Freeman. I travel the country performing stand-up comedy.
My golden retriever and I recently applied for a job together. The job revolved around a traveling team who would visit, evaluate, and submit reviews about dog-friendly establishments. My dog’s skill set is quite impressive, so I’ve pasted a copy of her resume’ below.


– Road Warrior (I moved, by car, from Virginia to Oregon to Oklahoma. I’ve also been on countless additional road trips, and have easily logged over 10,000 miles.)
– Food Critic (I am not picky, but I do have a highly-developed, discerning palate. Lettuce, for example, is rabbit food and not fit for canine consumption.)
– Etiquette Guru (There is a right way and a wrong way to eat people food. I never stare or beg, but I do make myself available to assist diners with their repast overflow. Also, I eat from a fork — ‘cause I’m dainty and that’s how I roll.)
– House Sitter & House Cleaner (I specialize in floor spills and dish sanitation. Sometimes I help with trash disposal by removing it from the trash cans and carrying it to the living room [which is much closer to the front door and, therefore, to the outdoor trash can].)
– Comedy Consultant (My mom’s jokes never hit the stage prior to my approval. I
actually gave her several of her funniest bits.)
– Homeopathic Healer (I specialize in non-judgmental listening combined with saliva-therapy.)
– Child-Rearing Professional (I raised several children on the east coast before
moving to the west coast.)
– Teacher (The bulk of my experience revolves around first-aid training. For example, I had a toe amputation that required daily post-op cleaning and redressing. When Mom wrapped my bandage too tight, I’d sit patiently [because she was trying so hard]; then I’d retire to another room, remove the bandage & ingest it [because I didn’t want a trash issue to pull her off task]; then I’d return so she could try again.)
– Guide Dog (Mom is good about picking up what I make during our walks; her sister doesn’t do as well with her own dogs. So whenever we go to visit Aunt Barb, I lead my mom blindly through “the field of fecal land mines” that is Barb’s back yard.)
– Advice Columnist (I don’t have anything in syndication right now. However, my cat and I are looking to collaborate on a point/counterpoint feature sometime in the near future. If you’re interested in pursuing something like that, I’d be happy to have my people contact your people.)

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